News and Events

Wedding Q. and A.

By PEGGY POST

Published: April 17, 2013

Olimpia Zagnoli

My fiancée and I have chosen a destinationlike wedding. The location requires a ferry ride to an island. We had not intended to pay for our guests’ ferry rides (it is simply not in our financial ability), but the boat is owned by the restaurant. When placing our down payment on the restaurant/location, we also had to pay upfront for all seats on the ferry.  

We have asked the restaurant/ferry ticketing office if our guests can still coordinate their ferry ticket payment through the office (to be applied as a credit to our final bill), but we are waiting to hear if that is an option.

If the ticketing office is not able to coordinate the guests’ payments, is there a tactful way to ask the guests to reimburse us directly for the prepaid tickets? Or is there a means of establishing a third-party payment system for these tickets so that it doesn’t seem like we’re looking for handouts?

K. and M.

Hosts of a wedding or any other event cannot ask guests to reimburse them directly for any of the costs involved in the event. It is unclear to me if the ferry is used solely to access the restaurant, or if the ferry serves the entire island and the ferry owner happens to also own the restaurant. It makes a difference in deciding how to approach your problem.

Typically, wedding guests pay for their own transportation, even to a destination wedding. If the ferry is used to access the island, not only the restaurant, that would apply here. Guests would pay the fare when they board the ferry or pay ahead online or by phone. Since you have prepaid, the restaurant should apply that money to your bill and no one is the wiser. If the restaurant will do this, it would be a good idea to post the cost of the ferry ride on your Web site along with any other travel information guests might need to know. The same is true if you are mailing travel information to guests.

It is unfortunate that the restaurant required you to pay for your guests’ transportation upfront. If the restaurant will make no accommodation to collect fares and credit your bill, then you have no choice but to foot the transportation bill and limit your spending in other ways. You could cut back on the number of guests or cut back on the amount or type of food or alcohol being served. It’s very possible that if the restaurant sees that its lack of cooperation will mean a loss of revenue, it may come around and be more accommodating.

On the other hand, if the ferry just serves the restaurant — and there is no other way to reach it — then the ferry cost is an integral part of the cost of the location. As the hosts, it is incumbent upon you to pay for the tickets. It’s unfortunate you weren’t told that you would have to prepay this “access fee” when you booked the restaurant. Since it is probably too late to book another place, consider the same options as above to keep to your budget and either limit your guest list or find savings in the menu or beverage service.

Invited Late? A Gift Is Still Usually Warranted

A friend of mine from graduate school is getting married next month (we are both currently in school).  We have been friendly for nearly two years but do not often get together outside of school.  I have known about his wedding for a while but was not invited, which was fine with me. (It’s a small wedding, and we are not especially close.)  However, today he handed me an invitation, explaining that some out-of-town guests couldn’t make it.  I would love to go (last-minute invite notwithstanding), but I am going to be out of town on the day of the wedding (a little over five weeks away).  I let him know as soon as I opened the invitation that unfortunately I would not be able to attend.  He acknowledged that he was not surprised, given that he had invited me on such short notice.  Am I obligated to get him a gift?

Anonymous

The standard answer is yes: When invited to attend a wedding, you give the couple a gift whether you can attend or not. The usual exception is when the invitee is not close to the bride, groom or their families, or has been out of touch for a number of years, and sends their regrets.

The circumstances surrounding your invitation aren’t unusual, but have understandably left you in a quandary as to whether to give a gift. I don’t think the couple would think poorly of you if you didn’t give a gift since the invitation was last-minute and you won’t be attending. However, I encourage you not to act too quickly or to stand on convention. Had your friend not been planning such a small wedding, chances are you would have been on the original guest list. Even at the last minute, you were at the top of the “gee, I wish I could invite” list, and your friend took the trouble to hand you the invitation personally. You say you would have loved to go had you not already had other plans, and it does sound as if you appreciate his sincere wish that you could be a guest.

Go with your instinct and do what feels right to you. If you want to give him and his bride a present, then go for it. It doesn’t have to be an expensive gift; you could probably pick out something within your student budget by checking their wedding Web site for their gift registry; or you could choose a gift on your own. Your gift will surely be appreciated, and you, too, would probably feel really good about sending something to wish the couple a happy future.

Peggy Post is the author of “Emily Post’s Etiquette, 18th Edition,” as well as a director of the Emily Post Institute. The institute, in Burlington, Vt., provides etiquette and relationship advice through books, business etiquette seminars and e-learning. The business is run by fourth- and fifth-generation family members of Emily Post.

Submit questions to weddingmanners@nytimes.com, or by mail to The New York Times, Society News Desk, Fourth Floor, 620 Eighth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10018. Include daytime and evening telephone numbers so that Ms. Post and Times editors may follow up. Readers can also link to the column on the institute’s Web site, at emilypost.com/wedding.